What Therapy is NOT
One of the things I really love about living in Los Angeles, is that this is a town where existential exploration and self-realization are common endeavors rather than the exception to the rule.
You will often hear people casually mention a weekend couples workshop they attended with their partner, how much acupuncture has helped them with their anxiety, or the stellar relationship they have with their therapist. I think I find this openness to self-growth refreshing because it isn’t necessarily the point of view I grew up with.
In my family, as with many families in the African American culture, seeing a therapist was not viewed favorably and certainly not something you would do unless you were having a severe mental breakdown. Even then – the intense fear many black people have of being psychoanalyzed would likely keep them from seeking help. This hesitance to seek support is understandable given factors like discrimination and violations African Americans have historically faced in the healthcare system, the socioeconomic challenges of weekly talk therapy, and a cultural conditioning to keep family matters inside the family - whatever they might be.
The African American culture is certainly not the only community where the idea of seeing a therapist is frowned upon. Many cultures have misconceptions about what therapy is and still consider the admission of seeing a therapist to be a taboo topic. I think it’s important to start to challenge these misconceptions. They keep people suffering in silence and unaware of solutions and support that is available to them.
I saw my first therapist at 22 years old. I was immediately surprised how much I enjoyed my weekly sessions with her. They gave me the opportunity to explore questions I’d never asked myself before. I felt like I was getting to know who I was in a much more intimate way. This internal work has become something I absolutely love to do. The thing is, when I initially sought out therapy, I was at a breaking point emotionally. If I hadn’t been desperate for a solution, I may have never gone. I know this is true for so many people. Because of this, I feel compelled to help dispel some of the common concerns I hear from clients, friends, and loved ones about seeking therapy. In that effort – this is my list of clarifications about what therapy is NOT.
therapy is…
1. NOT Something that you need to prepare for ahead of time.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone mention their desire to eventually seek out a therapist, but then follow up with “I just don’t even know what I would talk about or where I would begin.” My answer to that is – there’s no reason at all that you need to know. In the tradition of depth psychology (a type of psychology that explores our unconscious processes and motivations) we would say to show up and see what psyche brings into the room. In other words, this is one of those times to practice getting out of your analytical mind and allowing yourself to be present to whatever comes up that day. The therapy sessions where I don’t have anything I need to discuss with my therapist are normally the ones where I have the most profound insights.
2. NOT a person sitting across from you in a chair analyzing every word you are saying to come up with a diagnosis.
I’m still surprised how often my clients will censor themselves for months, not telling me things they assume I will find unfavorable. When they finally feel comfortable showing a bit more, they tell me that they felt afraid to speak up sooner, thinking I am mentally making notes and deciding something is wrong with them. Truth be told, there are a lot of different types of therapy. Some where there is more of a focus on diagnosis, some where there is more of a focus on analysis. While neither of these are the type of therapeutic work I do, what is true of all therapy is that you can always check in with your therapist about what they’re thinking. What your therapist really feels is a desire to get to know and connect with you – without any sort of judgement about the perceived unflattering things you say.
3. NOT airing out your family’s dirty laundry.
This is a big one in the African American community as well as many other cultures. There’s a belief that if you share your family’s business outside of the home, it will get spread around town like wildfire and could come back to bite someone in the you know what. This is just not the case in a therapeutic setting. When your therapist tells you that everything you tell them is confidential, not only do they mean it, their career depends upon it. Breaking confidentiality and sharing information about a client with ANYONE is not only unethical, it could cause your therapist to lose their license. Since it takes an average of 3,000 supervised hours to get a license to practice therapy – this is not something they would be willing to play around with.
4. NOT really that effective after one session.
This is another one of those “If I had a dollar for every time I heard this” statements. If I had a dollar for every person who told me they went to therapy once, and it didn’t really work for them – I would have a nice little chunk of change by now. Therapy is not so much about quick fixes. Sure, there are types of therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for example) where you can learn tools in 8-10 sessions that can have a positive impact on your life. But most of the time what makes therapy effective is the relationship you cultivate with your therapist. This creates a sense of safety and connection, and that takes some time. You also need to give yourself time to find a therapist who feels like the right fit for you. Often, it can take a session or two just to determine if this is who you want to work with.
5. NOT silly/ indulgent /self-centered / a sign of weakness / a waste of time.
There is so much talk in this country right now about additional support for those with mental illness. So much encouragement to reach out for help if you need it - but only after someone dies by suicide. The truth is, until we all start to examine the attitudes we have about seeking emotional support for ourselves, there will continue to be a societal stigma around therapy.
The attitudes surrounding therapy in the African American community I experienced growing up still feel especially troubling to me. According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population. Only about one-quarter of African Americans, however, seek mental health care compared to 40% of whites.
It takes an incredible amount of courage to challenge the belief systems we hold and explore whether there is a more healthy, authentic, whole hearted way to move through our lives. It seems to me that it’s time for EVERY community to start having honest discussions about the ways that we are struggling emotionally. Dispelling some of the long-held misconceptions about therapy feels like a good place to start.
